


Without You

by ElvenSorceress



Category: Rent - Larson
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Femslash, M/M, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-12
Updated: 2006-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 20:32:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/642695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElvenSorceress/pseuds/ElvenSorceress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty years after moving from NYC, Mark Cohen confronts his past and reunites with friends he left behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a sequel to my Rent fic, The Last Five Years, although it doesn't have to be. But it's still my vision of life post the events of the musical.

There are always moments that make life seem perfect. 

When the ice melts from the ground around the house and the crisp, clean rain washes away any heavy grime in the air. When the gardens fill with budding plants and blooming flowers and his barefoot children sing and twirl in the grass. 

When he holds his young daughter while she points out the stars she loves, the ones that shine the brightest. When his stepson sits beside him, quietly thinking and then scribbling in his tattered journal. When they watch birds fly over their lavish home on the California coast as they sit together like a happy family. 

Those are the times Mark can believe his life is perfect. 

When every day that passes feels worthwhile. Even if, occasionally, there’s a nagging thought that says otherwise. 

And as Mark sat at the kitchen table and stared at a graduation invitation from Isabel Johnson-Jefferson, he fought desperately to ignore that thought. That feeling. That somehow, even with all he had, he was still a failure. 

Before Melanie came in, he contemplated throwing the invitation away. But then she kissed the top of his head and asked him about his day, searching for a cup for her juice. 

“You’re awfully quiet,” she told him. “Is something wrong?”

Mark stared at her drink for a moment, remembering someone else who loved orange juice, then passed her the invitation. 

“Is this someone you knew from New York?” she asked, interested. 

“Not really. I knew her parents.” Mark’s stomach clenched with his words. 

Melanie’s gentle hand came to rest on his arm. “Honey? What’s wrong?”

He swallowed. “I think I need to go. To the graduation. To New York.”

“Isn’t that a good thing? You have family there. And friends. The kids have never been and I’m sure they’d love to go.”

Reluctantly, distantly, Mark nodded then kissed her forehead as he stood and walked outside, letting the bright sun blind any thoughts away.

~*~*~

It was well into the warmth of spring when they flew across the country which delighted little Angela who loved watching the clouds swirl below the plane. Jamie was thrilled to be out of school for a week, so he animatedly talked with everyone around him. Melanie alternated between reading one of her medical journals and stroking Angela’s golden hair to calm her down. 

Mark stared, seeing nothing. At one point, he felt Melanie’s hand slip under his and she entwined their fingers. He squeezed them, but remained lost in thought. 

It wasn’t until they finally stood on the doorstep to the Johnson-Jefferson house that Mark got nervous, afraid of what they might say to him. 

Joanne opened the door and took a few seconds to stare at Mark. He stared back, noting her braided-shoulder length hair and aged face. Mark realized it had been sixteen years and started to get nervous again but felt at least some of his fears fade away when she smiled and pulled him into a hug. He hadn’t thought about how much he’d missed her and held tightly before introducing his family. 

Angela and Jamie were still awestruck from being in a house on the east coast and were nearly bursting to see more. Melanie and Joanne quickly struck up a conversation about their respective careers and left Mark to wander through the kitchen and out to the yard. A child about Angela’s age raced passed him, chasing a dog through the sprinklers as a maternal voice shrieked about cold water. 

A flowing, tiered skirt was the first thing Mark saw as it fluttered just beyond some bushes. Then it was long, straightened brown hair that glowed with sunlight and fell over strong, slender arms. And when Maureen finally spun away from the water her children were trying to squirt her with, Mark caught her hazel eyes. She smiled brighter than he’d ever seen and it wasn’t hard for Mark to remember why he had loved her. 

She swirled over to him and wrapped him in her arms. “I’ve missed you.”

His heart nearly crumbled. It had been far too long. 

“So, big-shot filmmaker,” she whispered and led him to a garden bench. “Tell me everything.”

He couldn’t help smiling and attempting to do just that. 

~*~*~

It should have surprised him, how well Maureen and Joanne’s family got along with his, but he was more shocked at how right it felt with all of them being together. 

Angela was ecstatic that there were kids only a year older than her to play with. Joanne explained how they’d been adopted from Korea and Maureen had pointed to their twins, crossing her arms and naming them, Thomas and Regina. When they glared at her, she corrected, “Ok, Tommy and Gina. Is that better?” 

Jamie had immediately been enamored with gorgeous Isabel, who made a brief appearance before going out with her friends. “Don’t get too attached,” Maureen had whispered to Jamie. “She has this thing for an older man.”

“Well, it’s probably our fault for letting her grow up with Tyler,” Joanne announced. 

“Tyler?” Mark asked. The name sounded familiar. 

“Benny’s boy.”

Maureen leaned over and whispered to Mark, “Almost incestuous, don’t you think?”

Mark tried to laugh, then asked, “How is Benny?”

“Good,” Maureen told him. “He and…Alison are still together even though he sleeps on our couch every other month after they have a fight.”

Mark smiled. “You were going to call her ‘Muffy,’ weren’t you?”

“No,” Maureen guiltily bit her lip. “It’s not my fault that you remind me of, you know, back then.”

Mark suddenly felt cold and agreed, “Yeah, it’s not.”

~*~*~

After a few days of catching up on their current lives, Mark began to feel more at ease. Everyone was focused on the present and new excitements. 

Maureen had been acting in plays around New York, although she still kept a hand in the activism arena, holding a protest for something at least once a year. Mark told her about all the movies he’d made and his home in California. They both laughed about respectively marrying a lawyer and a doctor and gushed about their children. 

But Maureen couldn’t help but notice what he was avoiding and it made Mark feel like he was going to implode in on himself. 

They spent a day at the beach with their families, watching the kids play in the sand and the water, and Mark sat away from it all, secluded with his thoughts. 

After a while, Maureen quietly sat with him as the waves rolled in and out on the coast. Their boys took to racing in the sand, the girls to building castles and Maureen casually, delicately inquired, “Do you ever think about them?”

Mark swallowed hard, wanting to hear only the crash of the ocean. “Sometimes,” he replied painfully slowly. 

She continued unhurried. “I wanted to remember them. I got to name the twins.”

“I named Angela,” he confessed, looking at the darkening sky.

“Mark,” her voice was soft. “Why did you run away?”

“I didn’t. I got a job.”

“You could have come back.” She rested her hand on his. “You could have stayed. I would have been there for you.” He tried to move his hand, thinking desperately of a way to change the subject. She gripped tighter. “You know I love you? I’ve always loved you.”

He sighed and gave up, finally looking at her. “I know. I love you, too.” His voice broke as he whispered, “I missed you. I had you for so long; I forgot how much it hurt not seeing you.”

She nodded and started to move closer to hug him, but stopped abruptly. “Melanie?”

Mark looked and saw his wife staring at them. Uncertainly, Melanie turned and walked back down the beach. 

~*~*~

The day of the graduation, Mark stayed far away from all the commotion. Even though he was in the movie business, hundreds of recently liberated teenagers were too much for any sane person to handle. 

Holding Angela on her lap, Joanne turned to him and spoke over the roar of the crowd, “Days fly by so fast, don’t they?” Her eyes glistened with a hint of tears and Mark smiled soberly. He hugged her and Angela close. 

They returned home without Isabel – who had again left to celebrate with her friends – and put the younger kids to bed. Mark tried to fall asleep, exhausted from thinking, or rather trying not to think, but ended up victim to insomnia. Wandering outside for fresh air, he found Maureen sitting in her garden. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked. When Mark shook his head, she motioned for him to sit beside her. “Crazy school events like that always remind me how happy I am that my children aren’t infants.”

“Why’s that?”

“So much crying. Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than anything, but it can drive you insane.” She watched him stare at the night sky. “And when you’re someone like me, you don’t need to be any more insane.”

He gave her a half-hearted smile. 

“Mark?” 

He shifted his head toward her. 

“Is this just what you’re like these days, or is something very wrong?”

Sighing, he looked back at the moon. His pale features were bathed in the blue light as if it were the only color that could touch him. 

“Mark,” she insisted.

“It’s just... being here. Seeing you. Thinking about things. It’s hard.”

It took Maureen a long moment, but she finally settled on admitting, “I miss him, too.”

Immediately, Mark looked away and took a deep breath.

Maureen’s arms slid around him and pulled him close, finally understanding. 

After a moment, he pulled away. “I’m gonna go to bed.”

She nodded, but tugged on his hand. “Mark.” Holding his head, she gave him a soft, chaste kiss. “I love you. And I’m always here.”

Smiling sadly at her, he turned and walked into the house and was abruptly met by Melanie who had a not-so-pleased look on her face. 

“Mel? What is it?”

He had to step backwards when Melanie turned on him. “What the hell is going on?”

Mark was thoroughly confused. “What?”

“You and Maureen? Isn’t she the one you dated?”

“Uh, yes?”

“I’m not blind or deaf, Mark,” she spat. “I head you two. I saw you. How much you love her and miss her?”

Mark’s forehead wrinkled. “Melanie? Maureen is gay. Very gay. We’ve been spending the week in her gay house with her gay wife and her gay-friendly kids... Didn’t you notice?”

“Yes. I noticed.” She glared darkly. 

Worried, he tried again, “She left me for Joanne. That’s who she loves.”

“It looks to me like she’s changing her mind.”

Mark didn’t know what to say to that. “Melanie? Do you really think I’d cheat on you? Or leave you?”

She sighed like she was frustrated. “I don’t know! You haven’t been acting like yourself lately. I figured there was someone here who you loved and lost and that’s why you’ve been acting so strange.”

The horrible wrenching pain returned and Mark looked at her helplessly. 

“Just,” she started quietly. “Just tell me if you’re done with this. With us. Don’t hide it. If you want her...” her voice broke. “Just tell me, Mark.”

“Mel. I love you. I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t love you.”

“Then what is going on?”

He breathed deeply, not wanting to cry. “Maureen isn’t the one I lost.”

“But there was someone?”

“Yeah, there was someone. But he,” Mark impulsively wiped at his eyes. “He’d died a long time ago.”

Softening, Melanie went to him and urged him to sit. “What happened?”

“He had HIV.”

Her hands gently slid over his legs. “Will you tell me about him?”

“Mel, I… don’t know if you want to hear it.”

“Mark, look at Jamie. There was a man I loved before you. I had a life before you and I know you had a life before me,” she reassured. “I want to know about your life before me.”

Mark awkwardly shook his head and said brokenly, “I loved him so much.”

“I can see that,” she whispered sympathetically.

“I don’t want you to think that… that you mean less to me.”

“I won’t,” she promised and moved closer. “I’m sorry about earlier. I was just so worried about you.”

Sighing heavily, he squeezed her hand. “He was….my roommate. My best friend and we went through a lot together. And,” Mark had to swallow and fight back more tears. “And somehow he wound up being everything to me. 

“He just... knew me. He understood me. And he could’ve had anyone he wanted, he was that fucking gorgeous. But he wanted me. He loved me. And it was like... he made me whole.” Mark stopped to take off his fogged glasses and affirm, “I know that sounds pathetic. But it’s true. We weren’t separate, we were two halves. And when he died…” 

Mark let his head fall, knowing tears were sliding down his cheeks. “After he died it was just too much. I couldn’t be here anymore. With our friends, in the places we lived. Everything made me think of him. And I just... I hurt so much. I... I had failed him. I couldn’t keep him alive anymore. I failed. That was too much, after losing so many of our other friends. I couldn’t stay here, thinking of him, remembering him. Aching because he was gone. So, I left.”

He turned to Melanie and saw she was crying, too. “And I found you,” he whispered, touching their foreheads together. “And you put me back together and loved me just as much.”

Comfortingly, she stroked his face and kissed him. “I love you, Mark,” she whispered.

He held to her tightly and cried. 

~*~*~

The kids sobbed when they had to leave, not wanting to lose their new friends. 

Maureen stood and with her young daughter in her arms as they said goodbye. “Don’t worry, Gina.” She looked pointedly at Mark as she soothed her girl. “Uncle Mark and his family are going to come visit more often and we will go see them at their house, too.”

“Is that true?” Gina asked Mark with big eyes.

He smiled brightly and kissed her cheek. “Yes, sweetie. I promise.”

There were always moments when life was going to seem like the cruelest invention in existence. It’s not perfect, or glamorous or a fairy tale. 

But Mark figured living in spite of the imperfections was what made it precious. There was no way to recognize how much you had unless you’ve also lost. And in the end, more love was always worthwhile.


End file.
